The Godfathering: A DBIWC Sneak Preview

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The Godfathering: A DBIWC Sneak Preview

Post by Robstar on Tue May 20, 2014 7:34 pm

~The following is a test posting~


The Godfathering


~Showdown In Little Valhalla~

 
Video Package:
We open to utter darkness. Slowly we see an arc of light emerge, ever more brilliant by the moment. We can make out now that what we see is the sun rising over the Earth from space as we are slowly propelled backwards, watching the Earth get smaller by the second, as we are thrust into deeper and deeper space. A voice is heard;

“Since the dawn of human kind, man has built deities and created heroes to worship. From the depths of their imaginations, men have conjured up fantastical ideas and hard-to-believe beings from even harder-to-believe scenarios.”



“This…..is the burden of mankind. To curse a man with the ability to think and imagine; then curb that imagination with fanatical belief. Given faith to believe but not the tools to use that faith; with responsibility and yes, reality.”

At this point we have passed all the planets of our solar system and are gradually speeding up, as if being drawn into something. A black hole perhaps? Something better? Something worse?

“For mankind has generated and germinated so many ideals, so many godlike creations – but in doing so he has created something impossible to achieve; a benchmark too improbable to ever be attained.”



“Omnipotence. I think that’s what they strive for. The idea that one can reign above all – be it for the greater good or…..be it…not.”



“Let us join together now for this truly momentous occasion – The Godfathering!! A special event where only the most elite talent has been chosen to compete for the right to be elevated to God status. Many names you know – some, you may not. One thing is sure – all but one will fall in the quest to become ALL. Ladies, gentlemen and beings from the far reaches of the imaginative cosmos, let me welcome you all to - Showdown In Little Valhalla!”



A flash of white light and again we find ourselves plumbing the depths of pure darkness.


 
Freddie Krueger vs Albus Dumbledore


Location: Sandman Land

We find ourselves in a place that looks like a cross between a Dr.Seuss cartoon and a Salvador Dali painting. All is quiet save for the sound of a persistent wind and occasional strange noise – a knocking; a bell chiming out of key; indecipherable voices, whispers.

The vision pans around to the right to where we see a group of females (we think?) with their backs to us. They appear to be doing various things, mixing something, fixing makeup, straightening…..their antennae? Yep, one of these girls appears to be wearing an antennae on her head and her skin is a strange blue hue. They look alien because they are alien. Well, not all of them. And they’re not all women either, as we discover when the one more or less in the centre turns and is revealed to be none other than DAVID LEE ROTH!!!

1980’s David Lee Roth!!!



David Lee Roth: Wooooaaaaaahh! How you doing out there in viewer land? I am Diamond David Lee Roth, your host for these festivities and proclivities and other shenanigans we have in store for you tonight! OWW!



No siree Bob, there has never ever in the history of all unreality been anything quite like this here event, it’s big, it’s bad, it’s ugly and they call it The Godfatheriiiiiiinnnggg! That’s right boys and girls, ladies and gents and *ahem* every other walk of life in this wonderful universe (looks at attending ladies). And I gotta tip my hat to the god or gods or whoever made such scrumptious morsels of mutual understanding, if you follow me! *wink*



Now as I understand it, we are ready to kick things off here in…..in……wherever the hell we are! So, kick right back and settle in, get your best girl by your side….or whatever raises your umbrella, grab a drink and whatever else you need- get yourselves ready for – SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE VALHALLAAAAAAAAA!!! *salutes*

 
 
 
It’s time I introduced to you…..the commentary team for The Godfathering……..they’re outrageous! They’re bodacious! They may even be my sons! I give to you – Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted “Theodore” Logan – they are WYLD STALLIONS!!

In unison - WOAH!!

Bill: I’m Bill S Preston – esquire!

Ted: And I’m Ted “Theodore” Logan and together we arrre…

Bill: Uh, Ted? I think Dave might have already said that.

Ted: Huh? *looks quizzically*

Bill: Dave? David Lee Roth? I’m pretty sure he just introduced us! Hey, wait a minute….. *looks at Ted*

Ted: Go on….

Bill: Did we….

Ted: Yeah?

Bill: Did he…

Ted: Dude, you’re going to have to be more specific…..

*Bill leans over and whispers in Ted’s ear. Ted’s eyes go wide with surprise*

In unison: DAVID LEE ROTH JUST OPENED FOR WYLD STALLIONS!!!

*obligatory air guitar*

*We enjoy a moment of silence as it sinks in. The boys break into BIG smiles.*


Ted: Dudes and dudettes of all shapes, sizes….

Bill: Colors, galaxies……

Ted: …realities, existences….

Bill: …and smells….. *waves at nose*

Ted: Welcome to tonights action at The, uh, Godfathering…


Bill: Showdown In Little Valhalla!! Which, if you ask me, looks more like um, a dream I once had…*vagues out*

Ted: That’s right! And Bill is always telling me about his dreams and tonights ummm, clash! Has definitely been one of them!

Bill: Ted, uuhhh dude? I don’t think so…..I mean, this Doubledoor guy I think may have subbed for our gym teacher once……or was it math?

Ted: Dude!! Get it together! *smiles* Anyway, you all know that time machine we had that looked like a phone booth?


Bill: Well our friend Station and some guy we met called Doc Brown, helped us tweak it a little!! Now it’s a time travelling, genre hopping, dimension splitting, reality altering awesome Circle K fun box!!

Ted: *proudly*I named it!!

Bill: But we call it ‘Rufus’ for….um…uh….ummm, it’s easier? I guess…..

Ted: Named for our old pal and time travelling buddy, Rufus.

*The boys share a sad look momentarily before breaking back into their trademark smiles*


Ted: So anyway it’s time to get freaky styley and introduce tonights guest commentator, freshly fetched from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away……..R2D2!!!!

R2: Weeeeeett woooooooot *parp*

Bill: Uh, yeah OK! I guess it’s on with the show and du-u-u-de I can tell you it is gnarly! Let’s throw to out ring announcer, Mr. Jules Winnfield!

R2: Peeeeep tooo-wit!

Jules Winnfield: Now all you motherfuckers just shut up and listen! If I am forced to repeat my motherfucking self, somebody is gonna get shot! And based on where we are, wherever the fuck this is, I can assure you I have all manner of pistols, machine guns, tasers and lasers at my disposal, that will goddamn end your motherfucking life quicker than you can say Taran-fucking-tino!!!
 
Jules: Now this here is scheduled until one of these motherfucking sons of bitches all but obliterates the other. The rules are! Everything goes, weapons allowed and encouraged and if you can shoot a motherfucker, then you do it!! There is no time limit but if you go too long, I may shoot you my goddamn self. NOW!



Over here, seemingly floating on a cloud – but who could tell because he’s got that massive motherfucking robe on, he could have a team of leprechauns under there carrying him for all we know – wearing an old man mumu, pointy hat – what’s that, French? and sporting a long, long white beard, Albus “The Death Eater Eater” Dumbledore!!!!  What kind of honky ass name is that, for crying out loud?”


*As if from nowhere, silently Dumbledore is just…..there. He looks every bit as wise as one would imagine. Harry Potter fans the world over know just how powerful this wizard is – a wizard’s wizard. If wizards had wizards. He stand there waiting.*


Jules: Next up, somewhere around here is his opponent. This man enjoys tormenting children and teens in their goddamn dreams! This mean motherfucker, wherever the fuck he is, has knives on his fingers – what the fuck? Seriously? – and has some pretty fucked up scar tissue all over his body  - Freddie “I killed Johnny Depp before he was famous” Krueger!!!”



*We’re back on Dumbledore now who has what looks to be a stick in his hand, we’re going to presume that is a wand.  He surveys the landscape, which is constantly changing. We hear the howl of what can only be a half wolf/half elephant from somewhere in the distance. Dumbledore has his wand at the ready…*

Ted: Looks like we are ready for action dude!

Bill & Ted: EXCELLENT! *air guitar*

Dumbledore: Come out, come out, wherever you are Freddy. Let this be over quickly. I am awake and therefore have the upper hand…

Freddy: *singing* Aaaall-bus, Aaaall-bus…..are you sure that you’re not dreaming?….cause indeed you’ll soon be screaming….for the life…I stole….from you

Ted: Woah, that song…..

R2: (low) WoooooOooooo

Bill: Hey R2, does this place remind you of the Dagobah System?

R2: Weet woot, weet-de-woot!

*As Dumbledore turns warily, preparing for an attack from any angle, we hear the disembodied Freddy again.*

Freddy: Really Albus, don’t you think I know how to get inside your head even without a dream? I have Netflix, I’ve seen your movies…..and I know your weakness. Your hopelessness more like! What? You think terrorising preteen dreams is a fulltime job? I have to do something with my downtime!
 
*Freddy appears now, about 15 feet away from Dumbledore.*

Bill: There’s Freddy!!

Freddy: Don’t tell me you didn’t watch a few of my past encounters, eeehhh? Do a bit of scouting?

Dumbledore: All I need to know about you Frederick…

Freddy: Oooohh I do LOVE it when you call me that!

Dumbledore: … is that you are evil, and good always conquers evil.

Freddy: *flexing his razor fingers* Tell that to all the children whose souls now belong to me!! Bahahahaha!!

*Suddenly, Dumbledore points his wand at Freddy*

Dumbledore: Brawnphallus Erectus!

*A flash of light shoots from Dumbledore’s wand……and passes straight through Freddy. Freddy laughs demonically.*

Ted: Is that magic? WOAH! Maybe we can get him to help magic up ol’ Rufus!

*Dumbledore looks surprised*

Dumbledore: Infringen un de Suckling!!

*The result is the same. Dumbledore is starting to look worried.*

Bill: Oh hoho, this is NOT looking good for old DoubleGarageDoor here!

R2: *makes farting sound*

Ted: You said it, little dude!

Dumbledore: But…..but…

Freddy: But nothing! You assumed you had the upper hand because this was not a dream, didn’t you? Well, I have some news for you, some very sad news…

*Our view is behind Freddy as he slowly removes his trademark red and green striped sweater to reveal a shirt underneath with . Dumbledore’s face goes white.*

Dumbledore: No! I can’t be! I will never…….Posterior of Stripling!!


Bill: Does that say what I think it says?

*Dumbledore tries once more with wand but it’s clear that he’s rapidly running out of ideas. As our view pans around and we can see Freddy now from the front, we can see his shirt has the writing “Harry loves Freddy” emblazoned on it in fiery font.*

Ted: Yeah dude. Righteous. I’m totally pro-bono!

R2: Weeeeoooo?


Bill: Uh, Ted, I think you mean pro-choice!



Ted: I do? Huh

Dumbledore: But that’s impossible!

Freddy: Oh is it? You thought Harry was one of the good guys but you’ve been holding him down Albus – as I understand it in more ways than one! Harry! Reveal yourself.

*At that moment the front of Dumbledore’s robe lifts up and gives us a clear shot of his leather studded codpiece. It almost appears as if he’s flashing Freddy!*

Bill, Ted & R2: Noooooooooo way!

*But as the robe drops again, suddenly – Harry Potter is there, invisibility cloak in hand! And he is wearing a shirt that says “Freddy loves Harry”.*

Dumbledore: Harry? No, not the same font! That was OUR thing!

Bill: Hey Ted….?

Ted: Yeah Bill?

Bill: Strange things are afoot at the……the…..this place that we are. In which we now stand. Or…

Harry looks at Dumbledore sadly.

Harry Potter: I’m sorry Professor *looks at Freddy* - he prefers me to call him that – but Fred is much more in tune with my needs. Sure, he’s a psychotic killer by night but in the day, he’s as sweet and as loving and as romantic as any other man I have known – and there’s been a few.



Bill & Ted: EXCELLENT!!

*Dumbledore looks shocked.*

Harry: Well there was Professor Lockhart – he liked me to call him Gildy; we got off a few times. I thought about Hagrid but that would be like throwing a sausage down a hallway, wouldn’t it? Never mind vice versa! Of course there were the Weasley twins…..oh and Uncle Vernon. He always said it was OK because we weren’t physically related. We are now though!

Bill & Ted: BOGUS!!

Harry: Anyway Professor, what we had was….errrr, nice? But I couldn’t sit and watch you take away my true love Freddy here. That’s why before the clash I slipped under your robes and during the introductions, cast a sleep charm on you. It was dead easy. I’m a bit surprised you didn’t know I was there actually…

Dumbledore: I did! I thought you came to give me some ‘encouragement’!

*Freddy appears behind Dumbledore now and places a clawed hand on his shoulder.*

Freddy: Sorry, old man. You’ve cast your last spell on the children of Hogwarts!! Time to die!!!

*At that, Freddy’s mouth expands to the size of his whole head and he proceeds to devour Dumbledore, blood spurting everywhere; cracking of bones can be heard clearly over Dumbledore’s dying screams. When it’s over Freddy and Harry embrace and Harry raises Freddy’s hand.*

Harry: My boyfriend! My boyfriend everyone!

Freddy: *mutters* Don’t get clingy now boy…

Jules: *one hand inside his jacket, watching Freddy carefully* Your motherfucking winner – Freddie Krueger!

Ted: Well that appears to be the end of this first clash here at The Godfathering…

Bill: Showdown in Little Valhalla! Victory goes to the scorched, gay dude.

Ted: Not that there is anything wrong with that!

R2: Wooooooo!



Ted: Alright, well now it’s back to Dave. Dave?

*We switch to Dave, who we see now is reclining in a hammock, suspended by two Ents.*

DLR: Well how about that campers? Bet you’ve never seen that before! Neither have I, truth be told. Now it’s time to take a break and hear from our sponsors…..who am I kidding? We don’t have sponsors! So here’s some porn to break things up a bit….

_________________________________________
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Robstar
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